Conan the Barbarian (1982)

He conquered an empire with his sword. She conquered HIM with her bare hands.

***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***
***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS***

I have fond memories of Conan the Barbarian. I remember Arnold slicing and dicing enemies; I remember James Earl Jones turning into a snake; I remember action and excitement; I remember a non stop barrage of adrenaline pumped carnage; I remember incorrectly.

On the 14th of May, 1982 Conan the Barbarian was unleashed on the public. An R-rated epic starring the bodybuilding giant that was Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I didn't have the pleasure of seeing this movie in the theatres (I was only three!) when it was released, but I did see it a few years later in a wonderfully cropped pan and scan version on VHS. And man o man, did I love this film.

I wasn't the only one. Conan was a box office smash. It did phenomenal in rentals, made Arnold a movie star and spawned a sequel two years later. I have seen the movie many times since the first time, but up until last night, I hadn't seen it since I was probably 13. Maybe at it's time of release it seemed better, or maybe it was just my age, but Conan the Barbarian has not held up well.

To begin with, the wall to wall action I remember wasn't present. The film was slow and for the most part had Conan and his entourage running away or just running. The action sequences were few and far between and when they were there, they were rather short. Even still, what little action occurred, it did satisfy. It was gory, well choreographed and exciting. It's just a shame that instead of more action we are left with more story.

The backbone of the story worked. A young Conan witnesses his village massacred and is made into a slave only to become a hero in the end. But the rest of the plot was incoherent in parts or just plain illogical. What was the purpose of putting Conan on the spinning wheel when he was captured and what did the spinning wheel do? How did he fall in love so fast? Who was the witch/werewolf/spirit he met? Why was he set free? It's moments like these that so easily detract the viewer from being completely immersed within the film.

The acting is no great shakes either. Arnold has never been a great actor, but he does have charisma and certain charm about him. In Conan, his first real role, that charisma and charm is there but his overall performance is poor. But, I do digress, as no one else could of played the part but him. Arnold's physique is perfect for Conan. Really Conan = Arnold! Just one quick question. Why does Conan have a German accent if his parents, village, greater known area, and everyone else he ever met didn't?

The rest of the acting is pretty poor, and if not poor then over the top in every respect, ergo two exceptions. James Earl Jones and Max Von Sydow. Jones's performance is pitch perfect and Sydow, in the two or three minutes that he's in the film, is very memorable. Sandahl Bergman, who plays Conan's love interested, is not a great actress, but she sure does look good in her various modes of dress and undress.

John Milius is not a great director. The final product he produced could of been so much better. The editing is lacklustre and shoddy. Conan runs over two hours but could of been trimmed by at least 20 minutes. Some cuts and editing choices are jarring and loses the audience, leaving them baffled. The music is overly dramatic in parts that really aren't indicative of the feelings the music emotes, although the main theme is fantastic and has become rather a classic all these years later. The cinematography and special effects (for their time) are fantastic and the sets all look real, making Conan a visually pleasing experience.

With it's abundance of gore and nudity, and a charismatic and stellar looking Arnold Schwarzenegger in the lead, Conan does keep one entertained, but just barely. When ever James Earl Jones enters the picture, the movie does pick up, as well when the action kicks in. But both Jones and the action are few and far between. Conan is worth a view if you like Arnold, and it's a cold rainy afternoon, but there are better movies to get your Arnold fix with.

I remember really liking this movie when I was younger; I remember thinking it to be quite good; I also remember thinking the sequel was pretty awful. With my new (and disappointing) perspective of this film, I can only imagine how bad 1984's Conan the Destroyer will be...

Film Rating: 60%

Breakdown (How Conan the Barbarian scored 60%):

Production Design: 8 out of 10
Cinematography: 7 out of 10
Re-playability: 5 out of 10
Originality: 6 out of 10
Costumes: 7 out of 10
Directing: 6 out of 10
Editing: 5 out of 10
Acting: 6 out of 10
Music: 6 out of 10
Script: 4 out of 10