Swamp Thing (24%)

Before:

Swamp Thing. Wes Craven's fifth film as director and first as sole writer since 1978's The Hills Have Eyes. Swamp Thing. What to expect? I don't hear good things about this film. In fact I might of seen it many many many years ago. I have a slight tingling in my brian that says I did. With that said, I have absolutely no memory of seeing it. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. Maybe it's that bad that all memories have been erased.

But logic tells me otherwise. How could a film called Swamp Thing about a thing from the swamp (that's about all I know at this point, plot wise) leave no memories on the mind of a youngen somewhere between the ages of nine and thirteen? What would someone that age know about good or bad movies? If I had seen it I would of remembered something? Right?

With that said, after watching Craven's first four films over the last week, I am looking forward to this one much more than I was the week before last. I have enjoyed his filmography so far, and even the films I thought would suck have been better than expected. Deadly Blessing having turned out to be both his best film so far and a precursor to what is to come.

Swamp Thing. A film from the early 80's based on a comic book. I haven't looked up any reviews in years on this film; the last time I did must of been somewhere in the 90's. With that said, I do remember it having poor reviews. Terrible reviews. It was trashed by virtually everyone. But maybe in today's age of comic book cinema things have changed. Maybe it plays better now than it did back then. Maybe it works in ways that modern audiences understand. Maybe.

Wel Full Metal reader, we are about to find out. I'm ready to sign out here and sign into my TV. I'm ready to watch just over 90 minutes of scream queen Adrienne Barbeau get attacked? or be saved? or fall in love? or all of the above? by a creature from a dirty and dingy swamp. Im roaring to go, so as Arnold has said so many times before: I'll be back...


Review:

Film Rating: 24%

Breakdown (How Swamp Thing scored 24%):

Directing: 2 out of 10

A piss poor job of directing by Craven. It's as if he didn't care and gave up hope on the first day of shooting. Nothing works in this film and nothing is done well. So badly directed it makes me want to forget I ever saw it.

Re-playability: 1 out of 10

This gets a 1 here instead of a 0 because, and only because, we get a quick glimpse of Adrienne Barbeau's beautiful breasts.

Originality: 2 out of 10

The story isn't very original (That's not fair--It is a traditional story of man turning into monster, just done in an incredibly unoriginal way). The movie isn't very original. The only thing that makes this movie original is how bad it is.

Production Design (Special Effects/Sets/Locations): 2 out of 10

Terrible effects. Nothing looks good here.  Maybe a burning Ray Wise but otherwise everything else looks cheap and fake. As for the sets and locations, Alec's lab looks pretty good and the swamp makes for a great atmosphere but it just wasn't filmed well enough to make it memorable.

Costumes and Make-Up:  3 out of 10

The costumes look good I guess, but they never get dirty or when they do they miraculously clean themselves within minutes. The make-up is pretty weak but from his neck and up the actual Swamp thing looks pretty good and that alone gets a 3.

Script: 2 out of 10

A few good lines here and there, and a well structured (if terribly played out) story gets this otherwise stupid and badly written film a 2.

Cinematography: 2 out of 10

Some okay lighting, a greatly shot scene of Louis Jourdan on a balcony late in the film and making Barbeau look good for 91 minutes. So bad everywhere else it can't get more than a 2.

Editing: 2 out of 10

Wow. That is some bad editing. Things don't match up from shot to shot and the film drags on and on and feels more like three hours instead of two.

Acting: 4 out of 10

Louis Jourdan: Excellent. Ray Wise: Excellent. Adrienne Barbeau: Good and sexy. Everyone else: Terrible. Reggie Bats as the kid: is it just me or do half his lines come off as mumbling?

Music: 4 out of 10

Henry Manfredini, the man behind the music for Friday the 13th scores this film. Like Friday the 13th there are some great cues of music but also like that film they are overly repetitive and the film ends up having not enough original music scored throughout it. This style may have worked in a slasher film where it's chop and chase for 90 minutes but here we needed something more.

***ALERT: THE REST OF THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SERIOUS SPOILERS: ALERT***

***ALERT: THE REST OF THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SERIOUS SPOILERS: ALERT***

After:

...I was expecting Swamp Thing to be bad (I was hoping it would be good) but not this bad. What an utter waste of time. A waste of time for me, for the cast, for the crew, for Wes Craven. As a fifth feature film, Wes Craven, seems to have fallen apart. It's as if everything he learned in his first four films, everything that he improved upon, everything that he got better at, he chucked out the window before he directed this drivel.

This film is so bad it makes The Hills Have Eyes seem like an award worthy piece of historical fiction. This film is so bad it's surprising that anyone gave Wes Craven another chance at directing. This film is so bad it's surprising that it hasn't disappeared into the gutters of society where bad films go to rot, die and evaporate from the public eye.

As bad as this film is, let's quickly discuss what is good about this film, not that there is much. Firstly, Adrienne Barbeau is in it. She's fun to watch, sexy as hell and even gets naked. Second, a young Ray Wise is in it and gives a fun and well acted performance. Third, Louis Jourdan, as the villain, gives a great menacing performance which feels like it's from another, better film. Fourth, the neck and head of the Swamp Thing looks pretty good. There you go: All the good in the film. Now onto the bad.

Alice (Barbeau) is a scientist who knowingly goes to a swamp area but then cowers from animals and bugs and whatnot. She also seems to know nothing of science, and is better at running, hiding and wielding a gun. Some scientist she is. Alec (Wise) kisses Alice within hours of knowing her and they fall in love. Especially stupid as he just yelled at her and acted like a spoiled child minutes before.

When Alec's lab is captured and destroyed he gets set on fire and runs incredibly far for someone on fire before he jumps into a lake. There he becomes Swamp Thing, a green monster who is taller, thicker and sounds completely different to Alec. Why? Swamp Thing goes around saving Alice over and over where each scene is choreographed worse than the next.

The scene where Ferret (David Hess) tries to drown Alice. Terrible. The overlong boat chase. Even worse. The final fight between the villain and Swamp Thing. Pitiful. First off, why did Dr. Arcane (Louis Jourdan) turn into a werewolf looking creature? For what purpose other than it might look cool, which it didn't. Secondly, as a werewolf like creature that fights Swamp Thing in an anti-climatic climax, why does he use a sword? I'm not joking when I say that the final fight has to be one of the worst things ever committed to celluloid. It looks like two guys in suits swinging weapons in half assed slow (not slow motion, just slow) motions.

What else is bad here? Most of the acting sucks. The editing and cinematography is even worse. The special effects are terrible. The make-up is half assed. The music, not very good. The story (while good in it's basics) is unoriginal and poorly written. The list goes on and on, and quite frankly, when I said I will discuss the good five paragraphs above, I literally mentioned everything that was good about this film.  Everything else sucks in this film.

Swamp Thing, which I now officially don't believe I ever saw before, is as bad as I expected The Last House on the Left to be. (It ended up being a lot better than I had remembered,) It was as bad as I thought a 1978 TV movie called Summer of Fear could be, but that turned out a hell of a lot better than this crap. Craven had shown signs of talent and only improved upon them as he made more movies. Deadly Blessing seemed to show a full fledged filmmaker who just reached maturity (as mature as horror can be) and was poised to make a great film.

Instead he made this piece of crap. I can see why his next film was another TV movie and why the film after that was a cheap and fast sequel to his worst film other than this one. I honestly can't believe anyone would give him money, after this, to make another film (I'm glad they did though). I mean, I can't believe the same man who made Deadly Blessing, and later A Nightmare on Elm Street, made this drivel. It doesn't feel or look at all similar.

I would never watch this film again. I wouldn't recommend it anybody. Well maybe to various governments who need information from traitors to their country. Tie up the traitor and put this on repeat. By the time it starts up again for the third time they will tell you anything. Films like this are the reasons that comic book cinema didn't take off until it did. All I can ask for now is a) I never see this film again and b) please god let Invitation to Hell be better than this.